On Sleep, and Death

Sleep

I haven't slept in so fucking long.

I don't mean in the immediate, instant sense. I've had moments of sleep recently enough. I've experienced unconsciousness, I do almost nightly.

But I generally get about 4 hours. Sometimes slightly more, sometimes slightly less. I haven't felt rested in what feels like years.

I know there are ways to get more sleep. I've slept better.

It's been a weakness for a long time, and I've learned to accept it alongside its consequences.

But I do want to sleep. I attempt different strategies, I employ various tactics. I strive to establish the material conditions that allow for sleep. I'm trying, and one day I may get there.

I haven't given up hope for rest.

Death

I'm reminded of the French expression, la petite mort == "the little death".

I don't fully understand all it's connotation firsthand, I haven't lived in French-speaking areas enough, but I'll post from the wiki:

The first attested use of the expression in English was in 1572 with the meaning of "fainting fit." It later came to mean "nervous spasm" as well. The first attested use with the meaning of "orgasm" was in 1882. In modern usage, this term has generally been interpreted to describe the post-orgasmic state of unconsciousness that some people have after having some sexual experiences.

Anyway, I don't get that, I don't think. But I think of death as "the big sleep" == le grand sommeil.

I don't lust after death, but I've never been overly apprehensive. Growing up, I never saw much of a path or reason forward - an experience I share with much of my generation, as opportunity and hope has evaporated in the past few decades.

Now, I'm resolute in my will to live - I'm not committing suicide, I have too much stuff to do and too little time as it is. (DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE). I have much to build, I'm spending my time organizing.

But when rest comes to stay, I'll take it as it comes. I'll have played my part; I'll have done my time. I think it'll have been a good life, I consciously endeavor to live with meaning. And I know it'll be good rest, forever after that. No tension in my spine, no weight in my head. Nothing.

~AS

Like Marcus Aurelius, I abstract away the past and future as much as possible. Since I can only control my current self, I try to focus on that one the most. That makes it easy to not worry about death much.

Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back.

Death is a natural, inevitable process that comes for us all. Why be scared of that?

And I think I share IronProle's attitude towards death:

Cancer - Aug 23, 2022 (src)

Wellllll folks

I just got some extremely negative Cancer news. Turns out you cant defeat cancer with self confidence.

If you got a spare thought, save one for my Wife.

It is what it is. I have no control over any of this so im going to just live or die. Im gonna kiss my wife and smoke my weed.

My fate was never under my control. Ive always been a War Man, and wars have casualties. They have defeats.

Whatever you do, dont feel sorry for me. Ive seen my foes defeated in combat. Ive been a professional bicyclist. Ive been a husband and mentor and ive lifted up thousands with my work.

Ive lived more lives than many get.

Make art of me. Celebrate, but never be sorry.

I made peace with death a long time ago. You have to when you take up your rifle. Swords, you get it.

I was hoping i would live to get a warriors death. Maybe i still will.

But either way, War Mans live and we die.

Are you ready to die? - Oct 19, 2022 (src)

MH counselor asked me if im ready to die. I answer yes without hesitation.

I tell her that life is just a sparrow flying thru a warm house, in one window and out another. We are dead far longer than we are alive, so you gotta be impactful while you are here.

I told her that if you dont wait for life to fill you up but instead fill the world up with as much of you as you have to offer, death is no worry. Ive left my greasy paw prints all over this society.

Everything is as it should be!

index tags: Sleep, Death, Marcus Aurelius, @IronProle, IronProle

category tags: Personal Writings